How To Create (And “Fix”) A Fussy Eater

James, at 4 years of age, only had pizza for dinner, pretty much every night. His little brother, Max, liked pasta with canned tuna, and very little else. Their dad ate something else, more substantial, but he was not happy with that dinner arrangement that had him fixing three different dinners every.single.night!

John, the dad, has been working with me for years – about four years now – and has always struggled to follow my recommendations and directions to be in charge of WHAT, WHEN and WHERE his boys have their meals. He has been, all this time, quite fixated on managing HOW MUCH his boys should eat of what is available in the house – which they used to have free access to, at any time they fancied.

If you are familiar with Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in feeding (sDOR), you already know what was going wrong for John and his sons. sDOR is a set of principles for feeding children devised by Ellyn Satter, an American feeding expert. Her methods have been heavily researched, corroborated and followed all over the world. They do bring results, meaning children learn to eat according to their needs and capacity because their carers learn how to support it instead of fighting it.

For the less literate in this concept, it is annoyingly simple, in words: Adults are responsible for WHAT, WHEN and WHERE children have access to food. Children are responsible for HOW MUCH and WHETHER to eat what’s on offer.

The Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in feeding

I’ll break it down a little. Mum and dad, educators and other people who look after young children should be in charge of WHAT foods will be on offer at what TIMES and what PLACES.

Children aren’t yet mature enough to make a big decision about what is appropriate for them to eat, so it’s an adult’s job. Also, they have trouble keeping the daily schedule on track because they are easily distracted with the amazing discoveries and fun engagements the world and their friends have to offer, so, again, it’s an adult’s job to keep a meals timetable. And, for the children’s own safety, to say just one reason for this rule, it is important an adult knows where the child is having their meal and keep an eye on them at all times. Think about choking or an allergic reaction.

There. Adults’ jobs stop there.

The children then should be free to decide IF they want to eat what’s on the menu, and HOW MUCH they want to have of it.

The least one takes over the other’s job, the better results are seen.

So, when John finally realised he was ready to follow this and decided that his boys were going to have less access to the sugary foods in their cupboard and would need to ask his permission to eat out of mealtimes, things started to change, for the better. He recently told me he was making just ONE DINNER FOR ALL these days. 😊

I understand the reasons for parents and carers to let things go array and end up with children they now resign to calling fussy eaters.

Most of the times, it is needed just one unfortunate event to trigger the whole spiral of unfortunate events for a brand-new fussy eater to be created. I’ll illustrate it for you:

A toddler exercising its mealtimes job: eating!

How a fussy eater is created

A mother is introducing solids to her five-month-old baby. One afternoon, the baby gags, which is very normal as the child is learning how to move the food inside their mouth. It’s not choking, it’s not dangerous, but it’s noisy and startling. And, a way-more-experienced mother-in-law is at watch and criticises that mum. She will give a reason or two, or three, for that mother to be doing it wrong.

So, avoiding the gagging (and the criticism), mum decides to stick to that ONE FOOD that baby won’t “choke” on. Let’s say it’s banana purée. So, baby now has only banana purée or other puréed fruit and vegetables mixed with it, for long months.

By the time the child turns one, mum is trying to wean them completely from breastmilk and wants to introduce other solid foods. The child refuses. This goes for weeks and then for months. Mother-in-law and some other way-more-experienced mothers in the family volunteer “advice” which heightens mum’s anxiety around mealtimes. She is now force-feeding: not allowing the child to get out of the high-chair before finishing the strips of meat and vegetables on the tray.

The child, now oppositional to ANY food coming their way, simply won’t eat. A visit to the paediatrician indicates that the child is “more on the lower percentiles on the growth chart”. Mum is now really worried. She introduces gummy vitamins and toddler milk which the child loves: sugary ultra-processed food is engineered to be loved.

So, this now close-to-two-year-old child only eats puréed foods, gummy lollies (with and without vitamins) and toddler milk. An official fussy eater.

Important to note that this is what usually happens with children born with certain impairments, be it physical or intellectual. In these cases, because the child shows signs of struggle in other areas, appropriate professional advice is sought quite early. But this also happens with typically developing children and very few carers seek education or help from reliable professionals.

The scenario above could have been avoided if that mother was roughly literate in the sDOR. It wouldn’t hurt to have all the other way-more-experienced mothers in the family educated in it too.

The more we interfere with a child’s job at the table, which is TO EAT, the more we increase the risk of that child to become fussy about food and eating.

It may sound counter-productive to let a child free to decide how much and whether they want to eat their dinner, but remember that you too have your jobs to nail: you are in charge of WHAT is on offer – never ask the child a question like “What do you want for dinner?”, it’s YOUR JOB to decide that. You are also responsible for WHEN and WHERE the child will have their meal.

So, the mealtimes job descriptions are on the wall. It’s up to you to give it a good go. John is not regretting it at all. 😉

For more insight into feeding little humans, read also The Bittersweet Business of Feeding Toddlers.

Footnote: John, James and Max aren’t their real names, but their story is very much real.

References

-      The Division of Responsibility in Feeding. The Ellyn Satter Institute (website, 2024, USA)

-      The sDOR.2-6y™ Is a Valid Measure of Nutrition Risk Independent of BMI-for-Age z-Score and Household Food Security Status in Preschool Aged-Children (study, 2024, USA)

-      Why is toddler milk so popular? Follow the money. The Conversation (article, 2024, Australia). https://theconversation.com/why-is-toddler-milk-so-popular-follow-the-money-225668

-      The Worrying Cycle by Dr. Katja Rowell (The Feeding Doctor) in Feed Me, Love Me (book, 2012, USA)