“I Want Something Else”: How to Handle Meal Replacements
You had a full-on sort of day, rushed through to get dinner ready before the kid crashed on the couch just to be told “I want something else!” as they push their plate away, wrinkling their nose. As usual, you quickly whip-up a bowl of plain pasta with grated cheese. The kid is happy, goes to bed with a full belly and you can then enjoy your cold dinner, knowing that this will be the routine for tomorrow’s dinner and for the dinner after tomorrow and the others after that one…
Does it sound familiar? I know it does to many families that cross my way. And I also know that no mother is happy about this situation. They would gladly change their child’s behaviour if they could, if they were confident that the effort – it may be not an easy task – would be the right one and wouldn’t backfire with tantrums and plates flying over the dining table.
A good place to start is to stop allowing for a meal replacement. I know it’s easier said than done, so I’ll try my best here to contribute some help.
What’s a meal replacement?
A meal replacement is any food that wasn’t planned to be part of that specific meal served to be eaten instead. Let’s say you have planned or made [without planning] a minestrone soup with garlic bread for dinner, then your little person decides that they want to eat sausage with hot chips instead. Sausage and hot chips are a meal replacement.
If they are ok with the soup, but demand plain bread in replacement for the garlic bread, I’d say that’s fine as it’s a straightforward sort of cupboard-reach ‘adjustment’. But, if they are ok with the garlic bread and demand pasta to replace the soup, then it’s a different story. It’s a replacement for the main dish of the meal. This could be the first link of a chain of problems and should not be allowed.
And what’s the problem with it?
Besides the rushed meal preparation that follows dinner refusal – or you having to prepare multiple different meals to cater for each member of the family every.single.night – there are other issues that have the potential to mine your child’s relationship with food long-term.
One is the missed opportunity to explore new foods or foods your child may still find challenging. Children are young persons and are still learning about everything around them. They are learning how to use, to handle, to select, to appreciate, to get used to all sorts of things, including food. So, they need to be given opportunities to learn about the foods we want them to eat.
Children need time to get used to textures and smells and tastes before they feel confident that they can eat and that they will like that food. Rushing this exploration phase is what causes issues with eating behaviour. So, if you allow a meal replacement, you may be curbing your child from exploring further that food you’ve been trying on them.
Division of Responsibility in feeding
Another important issue with giving in on demands is that you’re transferring to your child a responsibility they are not yet mature enough to handle. Enters Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility (sDOR).
The sDOR is about putting the adult in charge of WHAT, WHERE and WHEN children are allowed access to food, and the child is responsible for deciding if they want to eat it or not and how much of it they want to eat. If they don’t want to eat what’s on offer, they can go without it, but should not be allowed a different meal or food. That’s the adult’s responsibility.
Again, easier said than done. Tip: offer with every meal at least one food you know your child will eat. This way, they will have an option to go to in case they decide to reject everything else. You won’t have to prepare another meal, and it will calm down your heart that they won’t starve. 😊
If you keep this rule consistently, you will see that children quickly understand and do take in that YOU are in charge of what they are allowed to eat and that their demands will fall in to deaf ears. My clients who manage to establish the sDOR in their household never look back. This will dampen the chances of avoidant eating (aka fussy eating) to develop and good eating will follow, sooner than later.
Meals timetable
One powerful tool to help you with avoidant eating and food refusal and meals replacements is stablishing a daily timetable for meals.
Since you’re in charge of WHEN children are allowed to food, stablish times in the day that your child will be offered meals.
For example, breakfast around 7:00am, morning tea around 9:30am, lunch around 12:00pm, afternoon snack around 2:30pm, dinner around 5:00pm and late snack around 7pm.
Any requests for snacks in between these times should be refused. You can gently remind them that “Afternoon tea will be very soon” and make them last till then. I tell you that it works almost 100% at daycare and preschool. We have a flexible, but well-established daily timetable to follow – or we may struggle to finalise all planned/needed activities – and children listen to reminders of that sort and wait for the next meal.
It's also important that children are hungry enough when we call them for a meal. Do you know that snack that spoils dinner? Don’t let that happen too often. It’s ok, it’s in fact healthy, to be hungry for a meal. So, allow your child to experience it and learn to regulate their hunger. It will be helpful for them to become a competent eater. And that’s another reason for YOU to be responsible for WHEN meals are served. 😉
It is a complex affair and you may need additional resources to make a big enough picture that will look clear to you. Explore this website, there are other blog articles where I touch the same issue; follow Eat Play Learn Nutrition on Facebook and Instagram and subscribe to our newsletter for regular tips on how to avoid the black hole that meal replacements can become to worsen your child’s relationship with food.
References
Satiety and the self-regulation of food take in children: A potential role for gene-environment interplay (Study, 2016, USA).
