Strategies For Conflict-Free Dinners

I read an article published last week on The Conversation by Alina Morawska, from the Parenting and Family Support Centre at The University of Queensland, with some recommendations for parents to manage their own anger when children “push their buttons”. It’s a great read and I encourage you to check the full text (link to it on the word “article” above).

One section of the article is about REDUCING THE RISK OF CONFLICT which suggests what you can do to avoid setting your children off in the first place. And here I’d like to use the recommended strategies to illustrate what the adult’s attitude would look like for CONFLICT-FREE mealtimes:

focusing on the positive

Give less attention to unwanted behaviour at the table. Focus on the bits that you want to see more of. Children, at times, seek attention by misbehaving as they have learned that that gets a more immediate response than when they do what we want them to do, that can even go unnoticed. So, be more responsive when they do the things you want them to. More praise, less criticism.

building strong relationships with children

In the mealtimes scenario, this can include involving the children in menu planning, writing a shopping list, cooking, setting up the table etc. These are opportunities for children to be exposed to foods they may not like to eat yet. It also helps them develop their sense of agency and belonging as they feel included in decision making. It teaches them important self-help skills that will be extremely useful later in life, when mum and dad aren’t there to prepare their food anymore. And it will give you all opportunity to spend more time together and strengthen your relationship.

praising children

Be careful, wise and parsimonious with your praising. It is a positive strategy that can build your child’s confidence in doing the right thing. But it can easily go too far and create unwanted results. Children are masters in picking up insincere words and will start taking your praising less and less seriously if they feel it isn’t honest.

Also try to keep your praises non-comparative. For example, “Well done! You ate all your pumpkin, like your big sister” may send them the message that their big sister is better, and that eating “all the pumpkin” will make them as good as her.

Be also careful with the phrase “good boy/good girl”, so largely used to show appreciation for something a child has done right. This may send the message that “If I don’t eat all my pumpkin, I’m a bad boy”. Praise the behaviour, not the character.

One more point on praising. Not always it has to come with words. An affectionate hug or a round of games together right after that meal, without anything said linking the two events, will be noticed by the child that “I have so much fun with mum when I eat all my pumpkin”, if done consistently.

teaching children independence skills

Assist and offer help when you see they need it, but let them try doing it by themselves first. Children, from the age of two, say the sentence “I do it myshelf!” a lot. They WANT to do things by themselves, even things they CAN’T do, sometimes. So, let them use cutlery, pour water into their cup, peel fruit etc and only help them do it if they struggle. They are usually quite clever in accepting help after realising that they are not yet up for the challenge. By letting them doing it, they feel relatively happier, gives them chance to practice and get better in whatever the task is, and while they are handling their own eating by themselves, you get to eat your meal too.

communicating effectively

Here, I’ll talk about meals timetable. Children don’t usually like not knowing what is coming next as it may feel less safe. So, keeping a consistent roughly set timetable for meals is quite helpful. It helps children remember what meal comes next and when it is coming. It makes also easier to teach them that they will have to wait until the next meal to eat anything if they refuse to eat at “this one”.

putting in place effective family routines

Ah, meals timetable. Do that and add one more strategy: family meals. Research shows that children who have at least three meals with the rest of the family every week have better health than those who always eat alone. Make family meals part of the household routine. Whatever works for yours: weekends, only weekdays dinner, breakfast… anything that you can manage to consistently make happen.

You can even add more to the routine: certain activities that come before or after certain meals. For example, after dinner, it’s time for bath then bed. Or before dinner, always take the dog for a short walk around the block. It’s the cue for your child to associate with dinner time approaching.

Routine makes events predictable and it feels safe.

having clear rules and boundaries and backing them up with appropriate consequences

Division of Responsibility is a concept created by Ellyn Satter, an American dietitian. It is widely used around the world by feeding experts. It consists in putting the adult in charge of WHAT, WHERE and WHEN food will be allowed to children, leaving children in charge of IF they want to eat what’s on offer and HOW MUCH they want to eat from that. These are your boundaries: “I provide the food and you can decide if you want eat it or not”.

Now, like any rule, to be effective, it has to be consistent, meaning that it is for all in the household and no one is allowed to break them (of course there are exceptions but it’s a topic for another article). Here, once again, use the meals timetable to help you refuse snacks solicited between meals and to remind the children that they can “eat now or wait until the next meal”. This is appropriate consequence for those not following mealtimes rules.

With strategies like these in place, you rid your household of many triggers for dramatic mealtimes. The less drama you and your children experience at the dinner table, the more enjoyable that time becomes and good eating will eventually follow. Reducing the risk of conflict is key for happy mealtimes, happy little bellies and happy mamas.

In our Information Session for Families – Fussy Eating – I discuss these strategies in more details, with practical examples, and address participants’ questions and doubts on how to handle the challenge that feeding young children can be.

For more information on these sessions, click here. They are for families attending early learning services, so let your service know about it. 😉

References

Is Frequency of Shared Family Meals Related to the Nutritional Health of Children and Adolescents? (Study, 2011, USA) Hammons A. J. & Fiese B. H.

Systematic review of the effects of family meal frequency on psychosocial outcomes in youth (Study, 2015, Canada) Harrison M. E. et al.